Yo.
Hey, I was doing some research for next year...
...and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to.
- The Vag-tastic Voyage. - Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?
The Vag-tastic Voyage is the one where...
... they find random girls on the street, and they invite them into a van...
...and then they bang them in the van.
It's like 13 bucks a month...
...and you get access to other sites.
Like one's Latina, one's Asian, you know, there's one for fetishes...
...like feet and pee-pee and shit and stuff like that.
That's disgusting. You're like an animal.
I'm... What? I'm disgusting? You're the weird one, man.
Don't make me feel weird because I like porn.
You're weird for not liking porn. I'm normal as shit.
Peeing on people. That's normal?
Evan, I'm not saying I'm gonna look at it.
I'm just saying that it comes with the site, okay?
I don't know what I'm gonna be into 10 years from now.
I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff.
I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value.
Like some editing, transition, something. Some music.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch.
They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
Plus your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipshit.
Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick the one with the least dirty name.
What about, like, Perfect Ten?
Something like that, you know?
Like Perfect Ten?
Because that could be any number of things.
They can't really get you for that. That could be, like, a bowling website.
Yeah, but they don't really show dick going in, which is a huge concern.
I didn't realize that.
Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Not for me.
Hi.
- Thanks for taking him, Seth. - No... No problem, Jane.
- How are you? - Good.
Beautiful.
- Don't touch that. - What are you...?
- I'm not a piece of meat. - You two are funny.
I can't imagine what you're gonna do without each other next year.
Evan told me you didn't get into Dartmouth.
I got into some schools, some pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.
- You gonna miss each other? - No. Miss each other? No, thank you.
I don't... I don't miss each other.
I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night.
- Me too. - When I'm out partying.
Go to school, boys.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye, Jane.
I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Hey, Seth, you can't park in the faculty lot.
Don't be such a vagine, man. I gotta get a Red Bull before class.
You're being an idiot. You shouldn't have parked there.
Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.
They should be sucking on my ball sac.
It's the least they could do for stealing three years of my life.
- Oh, fuck me. - Look at those nipples.
They're like little baby toes.
It's not fair they get to flaunt that stuff...
...and I have to hide every erection I get.
You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband.
It hides it and it feels awesome.
I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners...
...and just, like, wanted to see them.
I mean, that's the world I one day wanna live in.
It's been two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple.
Shauna? Shauna was two years ago now?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so. But she was insanely hot.
Exactly. She was too hot, okay? That's what sucks.
How can that suck? I'd be psyched if I got with her.
You got, like, two dozen handjobs.
Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob, but who's counting?
Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career...
...and it happened way too early.
- You're like Orson Welles. - Exactly!
If I'd paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex...
...with a decent-Iooking girl.
I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death.
You'll have sex in college, everyone does.
But the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college.
You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy.
I still think you have a chance with Jules.
She got incredibly hot over last summer...
...and she obviously hasn't realized it yet...
...because she's still talking to you and flirting with you.
Are you out of your mind? Look at Jules' dating record, okay?
She dated Dan Remick, who's had a six-pack since, like, kindergarten.
Jason Stone, who looks like fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir.
Matt Muir. He's the sweetest guy ever.
Have you ever stared into his eyes?
It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
Why would she end her high school career with me?
Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz for like two years.
Yeah, but he's a fucking idiot. You're a step up from that dick-Ioad.
That's why you need to stop... Will you get this?
That's why you need to stop being a pussy and nail her.
You could bang her before you leave.
And I'm not gonna dance around it, she looks like a good fucker.
I'm tired of you talking about her like that, man.
What, you can talk about her all day and if I say one thing, it's blasphemy?
Well, I don't constantly insult her.
I'm not trying to insult her.
I'm just saying that she looks like a good fucker, okay?
She looks like she can take a dick.
Some women pride themselves on their dick-taking abilities.
Dick-taking abilities? You think that's good to say about someone?
The fucked-up thing is, I actually do, okay?
If a woman tried to compliment me on my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.
Hey, yo, Seth.
What?
Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?
- No. - Yeah.
- Oh, shit! - You're not coming.
Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either.
So Jesse wanted me to tell you...
...you're a fucking faggot and can't come to his party.
You really bitched out back there, man.
I bitched out?
You bitched out, man, you fucking Judas.
You fucking left me hanging.
Did you want me to dive in front of his spit?
Come on, guys, let's go!
This is bullshit.
Pussy.
If I equals the square root of negative one...
...then I squared equals negative one. Okay?
In other words, if you consider I as a constant...
...you can then define the square roots of all the negative numbers.
So I is an imaginary number. It doesn't really exist.
If I equals the square root of negative one...
...then I squared equals negative one.
Is this making s...? Okay.
- Okay, bye. - Evan!
- Evan, hey. - Hey, Becca.
- Hey, thank you for your pen. - Hey.
No problem. No, no, don't worry. No worries. You keep it.
You won't have to borrow one again because you'll have that one.
- Thank you so much, that's... - You're welcome. Don't worry about it.
So I was gonna ask you...
...did you hear about Jesse's grad party next weekend?
- It should be fun. - I heard. l... It's a maybe.
- Really? - For me at the moment.
- My R.S.V.P. - Just a maybe?
So far.
There's so much other fun shit that's gonna be happening...
...that I can't really commit and, you know, hurt someone's feelings.
Fun shit? But I never see you at parties or anything.
That's because of all the other fun shit I'm off doing.
I'd love to be at all of them, but...
Why weren't you at Dimitri's on Saturday?
There was so many things going on.
I couldn't find a minute to make an appearance.
- What did you do? - Saturday was a crazy night for me.
I had some friends over, we had a few drinks.
That's Vag-tastic!
I hung out in my basement, the chill zone, where we chill-lax.
Like "relax" and "chill" all at once.
Seth's parents were throwing a party.
We got to hang around adults, which was a nice change of pace.
You converse, you talk to people and they have interesting stories.
I talked to a man who claimed he had climbed five mountains in his life.
Then we went to a nightclub, which was incredible. This big, fancy one.
- Gonna look at tits right now! - I'm feeling crazy. I said that.
- You got in? - We got right in.
- Wanna do this, 'roid monkey? - Fuck you!
Then we called it a night. We were all just really exhausted.
What the fuck?!
You would've loved it. It was an incredible, unbelievable night.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
You know, I'd love to go do something like that sometime.
Who wouldn't? I mean, it was like...
...me and Seth are always kind of cooking up these...
...fun, sort of, little, you know, events.
I guess you guys are really gonna go crazy next year together.
We were going to, but we got into different schools.
Really? That sucks.
Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad. I mean, it should be okay.
Not too worried about it, really.
Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.
- All right, well, thank you for the pen. - Yeah. No problem.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Evan.
Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class because I'd be cooking with a partner.
But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
I know, but look at Evan, okay? Just look at him.
Don't keep me waiting much longer. I'm getting impatient up here.
You know what I'm talking about. Miroki, you're embarrassing me.
I'm here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible-tasting food...
...and I gotta look over at that.
Looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my life.
And it's B.S. Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry.
I'm like a single mother.
We all know Home Ec is a joke, no offense.
Everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.
I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel.
I don't wanna sit here alone cooking this shitty food.
No offense. And I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.
When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu?
Am I gonna be a chef? No.
There's three weeks left in school. Give me a fucking break.
I'm sorry for cursing.
All right, Jules' partner isn't here today either.
Pair up with her. Station four.
Jules?
All right. I'll give it another shot.
I'll give Home Ec another shot.
Yeah, Hayworth will notice this, if we cover it with chocolate.
- The whole thing? - Just dump it on. I'm serious.
Okay.
- And now it looks professional. - That's really impressive.
- It's beautifully done. - I think we're gonna get an A.
So, what are you doing tonight?
- Probably nothing. Why? - I don't know.
My parents are gone so I'm having a party.
I don't really know how many people are gonna be there...
...but you could stop by if you wanted to.
Yeah, I love parties.
Really?
I just don't really ever see you at them.
You know, it's a love-hate thing.
So, like, you know, right now, I really love them, though.
- Yeah. - Good shit, right, Miroki?
Yeah.
Hey, Miroki, could we have a minute alone? Just... Thanks.
Dude, Jules is having a fucking party.
Hey!
- Don't tell Fogell about the party. - Gangsters. What's up, guys?
I was just walking down the hall and Nicola was right in front of me.
She's wearing these tight white pants with this black G-string...
...and you could see right through the pants. It was so sweet.
It's 10:33.
What?
I told her what time it was.
That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life.
- Can I hear it again? You have time? - Yeah, yeah, Seth.
I'll miss your knee-slappers when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.
While you guys are at Dartmouth, I'll be at State...
...where the girls are half as smart and twice as likely to fellash me.
What are you guys doing tonight? Asshole.
We got nothing. Nothing tonight, Fogell.
No? Well, if nothing comes up, we can get shitfaced again, yeah?
You're always calling me a pussy, but today you're wrong.
At lunch, I'm going to the same place Mike Snider went...
...to pick up my brand-new fake ID.
Yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.
That's insane. Evan was like, "I heard about this party.
We shouldn't tell Fogell." I was like, "No, we should tell Fogell."
You could buy us booze now. It's awesome.
Yeah, I'Il... Sure, I'll buy the booze. Yeah, we're gonna get our drinks on.
We're gonna party and get crunk and rock out, dude.
If you're not in this class, leave this class.
Fogell! Hi.
Okay. Gotta go.
Well done. Seriously. See you after class.
You tell that idiot you're not rooming with him?
Not yet. No.
All right, well, you better. That guy's the fucking anti-poon.
Seth, it's dishes time. What's the holdup?
We're getting a fake ID, so...
It's not like a big deal.
Not a big thing.
Well, at least we're getting a graduation party.
Thank God, man.
I'm excited.
I would do terrible, disgusting things to hook up with Jules.
- Unforgivable things. - I hear you, man.
I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.
Becca's a bitch.
You know what? I'm seriously getting fucking sick of you...
...talking about her like that, if we can be honest.
- Me too. - Why do you hate her so much?
You've never given me a reason. I think you like her.
- Fuck no, man! I hate Becca. - Why, man?
Fine, Evan. Here it comes.
When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem.
And it's not even that big of a deal.
Something like 8 percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's...
For some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day...
...and draw pictures of dicks.
What?
Draw pictures of dicks.
Dicks?
Like a man dick?
Yeah. Like a man dick.
I'd sit there for hours, drawing dicks. I don't know what it was.
I couldn't touch the pen to paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
- That's fucked. - No shit, it's really fucked up.
Here I am, this little kid...
... and I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
All right. I mean, I don't see what this has to do with Becca.
Just listen. Okay?
Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade.
And in the classroom is where I did the majority of my illustrations.
I was very secretive about this whole dick operation I had going on.
Even I thought I was fucking crazy.
Imagine what everyone else would think.
So I would stash all of my dick drawings...
... in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had.
So one day I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.
All of a sudden...
Pussy!
You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
Yeah. I know.
Oh, my God!
She starts crying. She flips out. And she rats me out to the principal.
He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest...
... and he fucking flips out.
He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is some religious fanatic...
... and he thinks I'm possessed by some dick devil.
My parents make me see a therapist, and he's asking me dick questions.
They made me stop eating foods shaped like dicks.
No hot dogs, no Popsicles.
You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Yeah.
Well, I don't... That's really messed up.
- Super gay. - All right, let's stop this madness.
- Let's just go get some dessert. - I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.
I'm picking out my classes for next year.
So I gotta sit and eat dessert alone, like I'm fucking Steven Glanzberg?
I gue... Yeah, I mean, what do you want me to do?
I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.
- Just relax, man. I'll see you later. - That's fine. I'll be fine.
Hey, pussy.
Fuck off.
Just the one. Just the one. Not both.
- So I'll call Andy and Greg. - Okay.
And I'll bring the '80s dance music.
- Yeah, yeah. - Right on.
Seth! Hi. There you are. We were just talking about you.
- Here I am. - That's weird.
So you're coming to my party tonight? Because it's fully on.
Yeah, why? Should I not come? Because I could think of other shit...
Oh, no. No. I want you to come, I just...
You said something earlier about, like, a fake ID or something, right?
Yeah, I'm gonna get one. For sure, for sure.
I'm getting that for sure.
Can you get us booze?
Yeah. I can. I can get you guys alcohol.
- Really? Seriously? - Yes, for sure.
That would be awesome. Thank you.
Because we were worried about that. That would be great.
Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back...
...is that it's located on my cock.
So you do want alcohol? You want some or no?
You do or you don't? You do want alcohol.
- Yeah. - Either way.
- Well... - Either way. Either way's fine.
This is actually kind of a big favor.
Because my parents left me like 100 bucks to feed myself for the week.
But the house is full of food, so I just thought I'd spend it all...
...on, you know, extra drinks for the party, so...
That's really nice. I don't think I've ever done anything that nice.
- It's cool? - Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you. - Awesome.
I mean, seriously, that's really... That's nice of you. Thank you.
So should I just get a shitload of different shit?
Well, you gotta get me some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of gay, but I can get it for you.
So... Okay, so then we will see you tonight.
Go to the ball, guys.
Evan. Get into the game.
Kick it over to me.
Seth! Get off the field!
Get out of here. They're gonna make me run laps.
Just fucking listen, okay?
Jules and her stupid fucking friend asked me to buy her alcohol.
But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means?
By some miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me.
Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she would trust...
...with the whole fun-ness of her party. She wants to fuck me.
She wants my dick in or around her mouth.
Did you think that maybe she's using you to get her alcohol?
She doesn't want your dick.
She's got an older brother. She could have asked him.
She looked me in the eyes and said:
"Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad. I need some Seth's Own dressing."
She's D.T.F. She's down to fuck, man.
P in vagi. She wants to fuck, man.
Tonight is the night that fucking is an actual possibility.
You sound like an idiot. You're not gonna sleep with her.
No. Dude, I know I talk a lot of shit, okay?
But she's gonna be at the party and she's gonna be drunk.
She likes me at least a little. At the very least, I'll make out with her.
Two weeks, handjob. Month, blowjob. Whatever.
And then I make her my girlfriend.
And I've got, like, two solid months of sex.
By the time college rolls around...
...I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
Can we talk about this later?
What the fuck, Evan? We're down two points.
Fucking calm down, Greg. It's soccer.
- It's soccer. - Fuck you, man.
Hey, Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?
- That was eight years ago, asshole. - People don't forget.
Do you wanna hear the best part? Becca.
You do the same thing with her.
When you guys are shitfaced, you get with her.
This is our last party as high school people.
I've ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
- I should buy Becca alcohol? - Yeah, it'll be pimp.
That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when girls say:
"I was so shitfaced last night. I shouldn't have fucked that guy."
We could be that mistake!
Have you talked to Fogell?
All right, you talk to Becca. I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.
Don't worry.
- Seth, get off the field! - Goal.
- You're getting that! - No, I'm not!
Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Hi. Did you hear about the party tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, I just heard. It sounds awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm gonna go.
That's why I came looking for you.
Me and the guys are gonna go to a liquor store.
And I just thought, you know...
...if you needed someone to get you yours, I could do that.
I could be that person.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that would be great.
That would save me such a hassle, because I was gonna beg my sister.
Could you get me, like, a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?
Yeah. That's the one with the little golden flakes in it?
- Yeah. The girly one. - That's classy.
Well, I'll pay you back at the party.
No, you won't. No, it's my treat, miss.
- Really? - Yep. That's that.
It's the first of many too, so get used to it, sister.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
- I'm sorry. It was an accident. - It's okay.
I was gonna give you a nudge... A punch, the friend thing.
I didn't mean...
- Hey, Becca. - Hey.
- Gaby.
- What's up, Evan? - Hey, Gaby.
- We should get to class. - We're gonna go.
- So I will see you tonight. - Okay.
- Really, don't worry. - Okay. Sorry.
- Bye. - Sorry.
Bye.
Sorry.
Where's that sack of shit, Fogell? He said he'd be here.
I'm here with my thumb up my ass.
I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for it.
It was pimp. I feel like a pimp right now.
- Like one of those pimps. - That is fucking pimp.
- That's what I was afraid of. - Why didn't I think of that? Shit.
Sh... We're screwed.
- Okay? We're screwed. - Okay.
That's what we fucking get for trusting Fogell.
He pussied out. I know it. He fucking pussied out.
How'd he get into Dartmouth? I don't get it. He's got shit for brains.
All right, how else can we get alcohol?
- Yo, guys! What's up? - Fogell, where have you been, man?
You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack.
- Let me see it. Did you pussy out? - No, no, man. I got it.
It's flawless. Check it.
Hawaii?
All right, that's good. It's hard to trace, I guess.
Wait, you changed your name to McLovin?
- Yeah. - McLovin?
What kind of a stupid name is that? Are you an Irish R & B singer?
They let you pick any name you want when you're there.
And you landed on McLovin?
Yeah, it was between that or Mohammad.
Why the fuck would it be between that or Mohammad?
Why not just pick a common name?
Mohammad is the most common name on earth. Read a fucking book.
Have you ever met anyone named Mohammad?
Have you ever met anyone named McLovin?
No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name.
- Fuck you. - Give me that.
All right. You look like a future pedophile in this picture, number one.
Number two, it doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin!
What? One name?
One name? Who are you, Seal?
Fogell, this ID says you're 25 years old.
Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face.
Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with their fake IDs...
...and every single one says they're 21.
How many 21 -year-olds are in this town?
It's called fucking strategy.
Let's stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads.
It's a fine ID. It'Il... It's gonna work. It's passable, okay?
This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.
This guy's gonna think, "Here's a kid with a fake ID"...
...or "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor."
Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
I am McLovin.
No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed...
...because that's a made-up, dumb, fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!
Jeez, man. It'll work. Give it a chance.
Did you move my...?
Where is my car?
Oh, my God, man.
What did I say to you? I told you not to park here.
Why would you park in the staff parking lot?
Shut the fuck up, Fogell.
I mean, because you're not staff.
I know that, Fagell! I know that!
Evan, let's go to your house.
Wait, are you guys still picking me up from work?
Can you answer me?
Man, don't you have any non-infant clothes?
- It'll be fine. - Yeah.
Why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school.
It's completely unbecoming.
No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam.
I have to kill these guys. You don't negotiate with terrorists.
Really? Yeah, that's what we should be talking about right now.
Then why don't you go and get some of your own clothes?
That's the dumbest thing ever.
My parents will see that my car's been towed and I'll be grounded.
These fucking terrorists multiply like bunnies.
Where did I leave the M16?
Do you have any bigger clothes or do you only shop at babyGap?
Fuck me. I can't...
That's fun. Why do they make that?
If you can't even win, then why am I fucking playing?
Do you wanna go see what my dad has?
What the fuck?
What the hell is that?
It's a fucking vest, dumbass.
- I'm trying to look older. - You look like Pinocchio.
- It's just a vest. - They got a lot of booze in there.
If we get it now, we can get to the party faster with Jules' shit.
No way, man. I work there. They know I'm not 25.
Nobody said anything about you, dick-mouth.
You really fucked me on this one.
So now I'm gonna steal the booze.
Don't do this. I promise you I'll get the liquor later.
Mike Snider's ID always works. So will mine, man.
Mike Snider's ID doesn't have one fucking name on it! Okay?
I thought you Dartmouth guys would be smart enough to understand that.
Now Seth's gotta pick up all the pieces.
He won't do it. Don't worry.
I forgot to tell you, my mom said we can have the TV from the basement...
Shut the fuck up, he's gonna hear you.
Just be quiet. Wait until he goes away.
You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Fogell, shut the fuck up.
And take off your vest. You look like Aladdin.
Okay. You got it.
Hope piggy can run.
How old are you?
Twenty-two.
You certainly are. That'll be 80 dollars.
Okay.
Thank you kindly. Will that do?
Certainly will. Thank you, Seth.
Hey, thank you.
You dropped your purse, ma'am.
Would you like some help?
Well, that would be lovely, young man.
Would you like me to buy you alcohol?
That would be lovely.
- Enjoy your remaining years. - I will.
- Enjoy fucking Jules. - I will.
Don't do it, kid.
I never had a choice.
You fucking killed her!
No!
Where's all the stolen liquor? Did you hide it up your butt?
Piss off! I was gonna do it, but there was a security breach.
You never would've done it.
Let's go to a liquor store and watch your stupid ID get rejected.
Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest back in my locker.
All right. Here we are. This is it.
- You ready? Yeah? - Yeah.
- Here's the money and the list. - Change is yours. Keep the change.
- Thank you. What's the list for? - The alcohol.
We're gonna get alcohol for the whole party, okay?
We put a lot of time into this list, so don't fuck it up.
It's perfect.
Ouzo, bourbon, spiced rum, Goldslick...
Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca. Don't forget that.
Raspberry vodka, Scotch...
And Kyle's Killer Lemonade. A six-pack.
This is a lot. I don't know if I can get away with all this.
What difference does it make?
I don't know, man. I'm, like, really nervous.
- Are you okay? - No, man. I should have wore the vest.
- Calm down. - What the fuck are you doing?
What if I go in and they turn me down, man?
Then we're in the same place we're in now.
- Who cares? - It's fucking humiliating!
Everybody sees them kicking me out.
What if they make me put the liquor back? I can't do that.
This whole thing is bigger than you, Fogell!
So grow a pair of nuts and fucking walk in there and buy the alcohol!
What if I don't feel like it anymore, Seth? What?
Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?
I'll stab you through your fucking heart.
No, you can do this, man. Come on.
Killing me won't get you alcohol. I'm the one with the fake ID.
Then I'll cut your dumb fucking face off...
...throw it over mine and get your ID and buy it my fucking self!
Oh, really? You don't have the technology or the steady hands...
...to pull off a procedure like that, so ha!
Peace.
Fogell, just be cool, man. Get in and get out.
You're the hero.
Sorry.
Is there a problem here, sir?
No. No problem whatsoever.
Sir, did you do this? On the floor?
No.
And you should really clean this up.
Someone could really hurt themselves.
Fuck my life.
We're so fucked. We're so fucked.
This plan's been fucked since Jump Street.
Okay, just calm down. Just calm down, all right?
Hey, so did you bring a condom for tonight?
You brought a condom with you?
Yeah. I figured I might as well, you know?
I brought a little bottle of spermicidal lube too.
You laughed in my face when I said I'd be having sex tonight.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't always be prepared.
- You didn't even bring a condom? - No.
No, Evan, that wasn't part of the plan.
You did this without consulting with me.
We've never discussed, like, any plan, but you keep saying we have a plan.
I had, like, a general outline. You know?
I was gonna go down on her for, like, several hours, okay?
She would love that. She'd be smitten. She'd go out with that.
Or I dry hump the shit out of her leg.
Well, I just... I don't see the harm in bringing one little condom.
And one little bottle of spermicidal lube?
Yeah, one little bottle of spermicidal lube.
- Evan, that's psycho shit, man. - No, it's not.
That's, like, Charles Manson shit.
What, do you think Becca's gonna be psyched that you brought lube?
"Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy.
I never would've been able to handle your fucking 4-inch dick...
...inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube."
- Okay, that's... That's enough. - Fuck.
These girls are 18, they're not dried-up old ladies.
- They're good to go. - Then I won't bring the lube.
Hello, Mindy.
I love that stuff. Been drinking it for years.
You know, I heard they recently decided to add more hops to it.
Okay.
I'm gonna need to see some identification.
Really?
Makes me feel young again. There you go.
Oh, shit, it's Cary Hutchins.
She had the biggest tits I've ever seen.
I heard she got breast-reduction surgery.
What? Making your tits smaller?
That's like slapping God for giving you a gorgeous gift.
She had back problems, man.
And it's not just making them smaller. They completely reshape them.
They make them more supple and symmetrical.
I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks.
Let's make a move.
- She's going around the corner. - Come on!
Okay. Your total is 96.59.
I don't believe it!
Are you okay, mister?
What the shit was that?
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
I don't know, man. I think she looked better before.
But now that she can jog comfortably, she's in the best shape she's ever...
What is this? What's that?
Oh, man.
Holy shit, they busted Fogell.
How did this happen, Evan? Fuck, man!
His dad's gonna fucking kill him.
Look, okay?
He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
So...
- How...? - How...? How...? How...?
- Say when, height-wise. - I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.
- I'll start on the bottom and... - When.
Whatever 5'10" is, he was 5'10".
Ethnically, I mean, did... What...?
I mean, was he...? Was he like us, or...?
A woman?
- Female? - No.
- Is that what you're asking? - No, no. Was he...?
- Like... - What? What?
- African? - Af... Af...
- Was he African? - African.
No. He was American, and he was like you.
- He looked just like you. - He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.
- It's an odd crime for a Jew. - They're pretty docile.
Okay, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.
Look, I can't do this. I told you already, I have an exam tomorrow.
Can you understand that? I have a goddamn veterinary exam!
Goddamn it. This is bullshit.
This is some bullshit. I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.
Well, apparently someone has an exam.
How'd you know?
You. You're the one that got punched?
- Yeah. - Okay.
First things first. What is your name?
My name?
It's M... McLov... McLovin.
McLovin?
Yeah.
Now, what's your first name?
What?
- Your first name? - My first name?
Technically I don't have a first name, so don't worry about my first name.
But we're the police.
We just wanna get the story straight.
- Come on. - Fuck, man.
- Come on! - He must be so afraid.
I don't believe this bullshit. I can't believe this is happening!
I didn't know you could get arrested for this shit. We need that liquor.
- Are they gonna take him downtown? - Fuck Fogell.
He got arrested, okay? We're on our own.
We need a new way to get liq...
Fuck! The money, man! Fuck! How much money can you get?
Why are you talking about money? What about Fogell?
That doesn't matter anymore. I lost a hundred dollars of Jules' money.
Are we gonna bust him out of jail? Bake a cake with a fucking file in it?
Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to get liquor, which is fucking impossible.
All right, you need to calm down. We need to think for a second.
- We need to think this out. - Fuck thinking, we need to act!
Seth!
- What the fuck happened? - Just... Just get up. Slowly.
You all right? You okay?
I am so sorry, man. I am so sorry.
I didn't even effing see you at all, man. Are you okay?
So it's just McLovin?
Yeah.
- That's badass. - That is badass.
- Really cool. - A badass name.
- Lot of people with weird names. - Chingy. Shakira.
Rafe. Pax.
We arrested a man-lady who was legally named "Fuck."
Think he was Vietnamese, it was with a P-H.
But it's still shocking to see on a license.
- Okay, and how old are you, McLovin? - Old enough.
Old enough for what?
To party.
Can I see your ID?
Yeah, I think I have it.
- You're an organ donor. - What?
I didn't wanna, but my wife insisted.
I give him shit for it too. All the time.
I say, "It's just like a woman. Even after you're dead...
...they wanna tear your heart out." - They wanna tear your...
- I say it weekly and it's still funny. - It still makes me laugh.
- Really funny. - There you go.
I'm sorry, guys. I don't really have any information.
He just hit me, and I didn't see what he looked like.
- I don't know if I can help you. - You in a hurry?
Yeah, kind of had to catch that bus.
- Where were you headed? - Near 13th and Granville.
- We can take you there. - Get your information on the way.
- Why waste 2 bucks? - We'll take you. No problem.
Please don't report me, man. We can figure this out, right?
Why the fuck wouldn't I report you? You just hit me.
I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime.
Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.
I'll be honest with you for a second.
You better get us a shitload of cash or a shitload of alcohol...
...or you're going to fucking prison.
What are you doing, man? You don't need to...
No, let's not... Let's hang on a second here.
- Cough it up. - Fine.
I don't know if we should be doing anything too official just yet.
Just take it. Just take it. Okay?
Seven dollars?
What the fuck? This isn't enough. What are you, 6 years old?
- It's all I have, man. It's all I have. - You better think of something quickly.
- My back! My back. Cops, my back. - No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.
You want booze? I can get you alcohol, okay?
Bro, I'm on my way to a party right now, okay?
There's, like, tons of liquor there, all right?
And I can definitely get you, like, tons of liquor, like so much liquor, so...
- Give me one sec to talk to him. - Stay right here.
Just talk it out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.
I don't like this idea. This guy's fucking creepy, man. Look at him.
What? He looks like a guy. That's what guys look like.
- What is your problem? - You guys know a guy named Jimmy?
You totally look like his brother.
You totally look like his brother, man.
You do.
You promised Becca you'd get her alcohol.
If you don't, she's gonna have a shitty night.
That's all I'm saying. Come on.
- Good luck on your exam tomorrow. - Good luck on your exam.
- You don't wanna ride the bus. - Buses smell like piss, generally.
- You know why? - Why?
People piss on them.
You know, one of you bros could've come up and sat up with me.
- We're fine back here. - Back's fine.
Safe in the back seat.
- Oh, my God. - What's up?
- Hey, Jules. - Who is it? Who's on the phone?
Seth. Hey, where are you?
I'm in a cab right now, on the way to a liquor store.
Good. I can't wait for you to get here.
Well, I hope your friends are ready to get fucked up.
I'm sure they will be.
- Okay, I'll see you soon. - Peace.
Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.
She called, she said, "I can't wait for you to get there."
That sounds like she fully wants it, man! Oh, yeah!
Who's gonna give it to her, huh, my man? You, that's who.
Man.
You guys on MySpace, or...?
Officers? I can answer those questions now if you want me to.
We get the gist of it. You were buying beer, some guys punched you.
Don't worry about it. We're not gonna find them.
- Case closed. - But it was only...
- But it was only one guy. - Only one guy? Shit.
How am I supposed to find one guy?
This job really isn't how, you know, shows like CSI make it out to be.
When I first joined the force, I assumed there was semen on everything...
...and there was some, like, huge semen database...
...that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't.
It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today.
If the man had ejaculated and then punched you...
...we'd have a shot at catching him.
- No way. - Just punched in the face, no semen.
- No semen. - Story of my life.
Michaels here, he's six months in.
He's young, but the Force is strong with this one.
Learning you are, young padawan.
Thank you very much.
- That's Yoda. - Are you familiar with Yoda?
From Attack of the Clones?
We have a 245 at East 24 and Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.
Car 98 on it.
See, Michaels, you always take a call at a bar because...
...better or worse, you get a beer out of it.
Pretty sweet, huh?
- True that. Amazing thinking. - Hey, McLovin.
We got a situation at Bailey's, so we'll drop you off after, all right?
Actually, I kind of have to be somewhere...
- Sweet. Sit tight. - Set course for Bailey's, warp 10.
Engage.
Yeah.
Welcome to the Thunderdome.
Hey, man, are you sure it's cool that we're here with you?
Oh, definitely, man.
I'm essentially best friends with the guy...
...so a bunch of my buds are coming.
We're gonna rock out with our cocks out. Just kidding.
- We are gonna rock out. - Just go, just go.
What's up? What's up? What's up?
Hello, hello. Hey, guys.
This is something a smart person wouldn't do.
Look, just act cool and act casual, and try and look old.
We'll get the booze and get the fuck out of here, okay?
Come on. Come on, now. It's Mark's party.
Come on. Do it up.
We should grab one of these buckets and get out.
Are you out of your mind? How are we gonna get a fucking bucket out?
Hey, man.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- What are you...? What? Nothing. - You using my phone?
You weren't invited. Get the fuck out of here.
- Come on, Mark. It's cool, man. - You using my fucking phone?
You calling your fucking friends again?
You calling your friends, your fantastic friends?
Get the fuck out of my house. Get the fuck out of my house.
- This is my house. - Don't be such a dick, man!
What the fuck?
Mark! You really wanna do this, man?
Here we go. We're really gonna do this?
That's right, motherfucker.
Come on, pussy. Get up, dude.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.
Tiger got out of the cage, man. All right? I'm sorry. Come on, Mark.
Let's just chill. Everyone just chill out.
Truce, man.
Right in the nads!
This is for your friends. Here, have another one.
Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Oh, my God. What do we do?
- Come on. come on. - Choose one.
- We can slip out the back, man. - Come on. Let's hurry up and do this.
Are you crazy, man? Wanna end up like that guy?
Not me. I need my nuts, man, for a lot of things.
- We need liquor. - You need it. I don't.
I'm gonna tell Becca how I feel. Maybe she'll get with me.
I'm not gonna get her drunk out of her mind.
Oh, really? Then how come you never made a move, you pussy?
Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not gonna put unfair pressure on her.
I don't see a problem. Let's just do it.
We're leaving, okay? You wanna get killed for liquor?
No, but I would get killed for pussy, no questions asked.
- Fuck this, man. - You're just gonna bail on me?
- I'm going. - Fucking bitch.